This blog is a bit personal and emotional, but I imagine many of you have shared similar feelings. Perhaps you’ll be able to resonate with these thoughts… Undoubtedly, you have felt the feelings of frustration, hopelessness, disillusionment, etc. Given the futility of complaining (a nasty habit in which I indulge in from time to time), I decided to write this blog as an outlet to voice these hardships.
Having traversed the path to something “worthwhile” (such as mastering a video game, or winning a competition), I long ago realized that to accomplish my goals in poker and in life I would have to deal with feelings of extreme negativity and conquer them. However, words tend to only tenuously allude to the meaning of what they refer to, when dealing with a feeling someone experiences. You cannot truly explain the feeling of winning the “Main Event” or how it feels to be with someone you really love. Conversely, you can’t explain the feeling when years of effort end up mattering for nothing or the loss of something you truly care about. You’d think that knowing this you would be prepared for what’s coming, but in actuality you have no fucking idea. All these feelings come anyway, and they feel worse than you imagined. How you experience such things and deal with them in that moment is worth SO much more than dealing with the idea of them at some random point of time. Words mean little in comparison to action.
So many people live their lives wishing for something better. People think that life is some hell where you are forced to live in a certain way and that you have no opportunity for anything else.
At my best, I refuse to submit to having a mediocre life. I no longer believe that this world is a hell at all, or that all this world’s evils have to exist. I want fucking EVERYTHING, and I’ll embrace all that follows.
Throughout my career I have had multiple instances of my dreams being crushed into nothing, completely shattering my morale. I have, at times, not handled myself properly when things went bad, and even worse when a solution was simple. I cannot express how mind-bogglingly frustrating poker can be at times. Even now the frustration does not cease. Even now it feels, at times, that all my efforts are in vain; that all my hopes and ambitions, poker and otherwise, are nowhere in sight.
I often feel as though I fumble in the dark, where there is no certainty to grant me solace. However, even this feeling of uncertainty is one of the many that I must conquer to acquire my goals… It is inevitable, in fact. I find solace in a simple fact: All bodies of knowledge, including logic (the one true God that I know), point to the fact that if I truly give my best efforts, and use the experiences that I have wisely, my goals will someday be obtainable. In that, I have faith.